Polishing Marbles
An Alchemical Memoir: Book One
By: Audrey Mitchell, LCSW
Alchemy is historically known as a transformative process in which lead is turned into gold. In an allegorical sense, alchemy is simply taking one thing, and working to purify it through repeated exposure to tension, until it is forced into the best version of itself.
How Alchemy Begins
Most humans are born into situations and relational dynamics that break down our blank slate of innocence, keeping us focused on the self and only pleasure, transforming into a person that sees the world through wounded eyes, while also reacting to all people and situations through that lens of brokenness. It seems that life is spent being broken down, and if we are lucky, we are given the repeated opportunity to learn, grow, and polish ourselves in a way that allows access to joy, peace, and unconditional love. While desperate to fill what’s missing, we all turn to temporary comforts that are healthy or harmful, some left unable to scale to the surface, inviting hope. Those of us desperate for reprieve from the incessant chatter of over-analysis and shame spirals, seek to heal the broken parts and thrive. This is rarely (if ever) a seamless process; one that gives ample opportunity for human fallibility to shine. This memoir accounts for the first stage of alchemy within the lifetime of a (now) counselor. The Nigredo phase of transformation is a time in which all is broken down, revealing the impurities that need tending.
Polishing A Therapist
Many of my patients over the last 12 years have offered inquiry about what brought me to the therapist chair, or how I might possess the insights of a seasoned sage, as someone that appears so well “polished.” This story allows my honest rebuttal through a series of stories, all true and heartbreaking, about what happens to a neurodivergent American girl in the 90’s, when exposed to a litany of experiences ranging from being weaned on concepts of the apocalypse, to domestic violence and sexual assault(s). The turbulent world of substance abuse, rave culture, poverty, and coming out in a red state during an age where love was so easily met with violence. All of this is woven together with the magic of first love, consequent loss, and happily succumbing to the fine art of self-destruction. Alchemy requires heat and tension to transform lead into gold. This story is the burning down of self, without any promise of finding light at the end of so much darkness.
Nuggets from Polishing Marbles
Below, I have compiled some audio clips from the book as little breadcrumbs, so that they might find their way home through your ears. There’s something about reading aloud that makes a precise grouping of words sing like poetry, or at least it does in my brain.
Some time ago, in my process of writing this book, I decided to meditate with the spirit of the project, asking what she would like to bring into the world. Here is her answer.
This book is a collective spirit of the women born into a generation who were forgotten, invisible, broken down and placed in a family where they weren’t seen. For the ones that have felt misplaced in every walk through the template of life and didn’t know that clawing their way up from the mire into the light was possible. The women who feel music in their skin and are brought to tears by bearing witness to visual expressions of creativity. Those that long to help the tortured, while also living within the same shadow.
For the women that continue to make the choice to wake up each morning because they want to know how the story ends, and that even though the pain of it at times feels excruciating, it’s still worth enduring for first kisses, sunrises, and a fresh cup of coffee. For the moment you hear a song that changes your life, and the experiential bliss of being showered in squiggly puppy kisses. These moments are everything.
For the women who have had their power and voice taken away and don’t know it’s still there, just hidden under all the triggers and narratives intent on squashing their fire down into silence. It’s for one and all generations of women who ever asked, “what am I doing here and why does everything hurt so much?” This is for those screaming, Damn the Man! under their masked smile, and most especially, this book is for the women who couldn’t say no, and weren’t heard when they did. It’s for all of us.
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